I am who I am

I chanced upon this post the other day. It’s about the top 5 regrets of people who are dying… Somehow, I felt better after reading it because it’s sort of how I have been trying to live my life…

Happiness is a choice.

http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

By Bronnie Ware (who worked for years nursing the dying)

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

For #1, #3 & #5:

I guess the person who influenced me the most is probably my mum.

Its ironic. The more she tried to control, influence, manipulate, emotionally blackmail me into doing what she wants. The less I wanna do it.

When I was younger.
I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t happy with who I was.
Why I am never good enough?
Why is she never proud of me?
Why can’t I ever do the ‘correct’ things?
Why is it wrong to do what I want to?
& How can it be wrong when it makes me happy?

It made me frustrated, angry & upset.

I thought a mother’s love is unconditional?
That they should love their children irregardless of what, how, who & why…

I kept trying. Trying to do the ‘right’ things to please her.
It made me unhappy & yet, I was never good enough for her.
My best is just not good enough.
There’s always someone’s else kid who’s better, nicer, smarter & more filial.

I keep disappointing her & keep resenting myself for it.
Made me extremely unhappy.
Like as if something’s seriously wrong or bad about me.
Like I didn’t deserve her love & respect.

As I grew older.

I realised there are choices.
That her way is not the only way.
That its alright to be me.
That I can do what I want.
That I can be happy if I choose to.

Trade off is that I begin to shut her out of my life.

Suddenly.
What she said didn’t matter anymore.
What she think & feel, I don’t care anymore.
Her words can no longer hurt me the way it did.
She can no longer get to me. I wouldn’t allow her to.

I know its mean, selfish, self-centred, ungrateful etc. Whatever.

I really can’t be bothered anymore.
I gave up trying.
I stopped trying to be who she wanted me to be.
I stopped trying to do what she think is good for me.
I stopped going where she wanted me to be.

I am myself.
I need to be my own person.
I need to lead my own life.
Someday, she will no longer be around and in the end, I am the only one fully responsible for my choices.

I choose to love myself, along with all my flaws.
I choose to be happy. Even if it’s at her expense.

I know this is a highly twisted & inappropriate post especially coming from such an uptight, conservative, chinese background which places so much importance on filial piety.

She is not a bad mother.
It’s just that we can never love each other the way we wanted to & we can never be who we wanted each other to be.
None of us can change ourselves and we just have to accept and live that because we do not have a choice to who we are related to.

But finally.
I feel like there’s no need to explain myself or my actions to anyone else anymore.
You either accept & love me the way I am or you leave me alone because I don’t need you in my life.

I am my own greatest critic.
I know my flaws. I dont need you to amplify it.
I know what a terrible person I am. I don’t need you to tell me.

I am just the way I am. Take it or leave it.

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About iamanonconformist

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." By Marilyn Monroe, 1926 -1962.
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